If you are bipolar like me and have ever hurt someone, this blog is for you. Those who suffer with bipolar disorder know that it’s not a matter of “if,” but rather “when” this will happen. I recently did a royal job of hurting someone close to me. What follows are my honest strugglings with this event and the collateral damage it caused.
For me, bipolar means that I can over-promise and then under-deliver. In my case, I really wanted to do a great job of grandfathering in a particular situation and for a special individual. However, when the time came to “ante-up,” I felt I had to back out of the commitment. I thought this best at the time because I was in no condition to be the kind of grandpa I needed to be. I was at a low point, a bipolar depression, and I felt helpless. Unfortunately, this was viewed as an epic fail on my part, and I wounded my grandson deeply. I really let him down. But there was also collateral damage. Family members close to him also saw this as a failure, an unloving one, on my part. There was severe disappointment and even anger.
I get it! Years ago, before I was diagnosed with bipolar 2, a talk therapist helped me identify two trigger points, two trip-wires in my life, things that really set me off. One of these was seeing someone I loved being hurt or injured. It made me mad.
But what to do about it? How I wish people could “walk a day in my shoes,” so to speak. Bipolar depression is different from unipolar depression. (For example, meds that help one don’t necessarily help the other.) If only people could feel what it’s like–the experience of being rock bottom, depressed, scared, anxious, insecure. It’s the lack of confidence that does me in. That’s why one moment I can over-promise (BP hypomania, I feel there’s nothing I can’t do!) and the next moment I find I can’t deliver (BP depression, I feel there’s little I can do.) I wish it were otherwise.
I’ve found a few things that help after I have really let someone down. If the first thing you think of is to ask forgiveness, think again. I seldom find that this “works” off the bat. Instead, I just need to listen, to let the person I’ve wronged “let me have it.” They need to vent. So would I, if the roles were reversed. Asking for forgiveness can come later.
The other thing I do is what therapists refer to as “radical acceptance.” I think of the Serenity Prayer. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” At the beginning, I just need to accept disappointment, anger, and distance as a given. “It is what it is.” I can’t change it (not yet). I just need to accept it for what it is. Forgiveness can come later, God willing. There is actually a Bible verse for this. It reads, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” (Romans 12, verse 18) The problem is, it doesn’t just depend on you. That other person may not be willing (at least for the moment) to be at peace with you. So I do what I can (sometimes all I can do is pray), and I wait…
Meanwhile, I do whatever I can to show my faithfulness to the offended person. I look for opportunities to show what I can do during the euthymic parts of my cycle. For those not in the know, euthymia is the stable phase between the hypomanic highs and the depressive lows. I record my journey in my daily journal. I use the “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” scale. Sometimes things are hot (up+). Sometimes things are cold (down-). In between, things are “just right.” I call these G.D.L. (Goldilocks) days. I take advantage of them, and I do what I can to “be at peace with all men,” especially those I have disappointed.
So there you have it. Love to all!
Blessings!
The Christian Bipole
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