It was rough. I won't hide the fact. It was the middle of the night and my mind was racing out of control. Sleep was out of the question, which contributed yet another level of anxiety. Poor sleep or no sleep can be disastrous for those of us with anxiety being the primary or "comorbid" symptom of our disorder, as they say in psychology-speak. I was initially diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) on the way to being properly diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. Whether GAD or BPD-II, rampant anxiety was what I often experienced. Heck, it is what I continue to experience (present tense). My wife says I have a PhD in worrying. And yes, PhD does stand for "piled higher and deeper." Thank God these "anxiety attacks" take place with decreasing frequency. But for some reason they happened twice in the last week. So I am blogging about what I experience and what, if anything, can be done about it.
So here's what happens. Something (or several somethings) happen during the day to trigger anxious thinking. For most people these are troublesome, but not worry-worthy to the level I take them. I begin to obsess about them, and things spiral from bad to worse. I literally "lose" my mind. This may sound strange, but one symptom of this is what I call "heightened TV sensitivity" or HTS. When I am "up," I can watch the most tense TV drama. But when I am down and anxious, even the mildest of TV shows can make me anxious. My poor wife! We watch a lot of travelogues and home improvement shows on those evenings when I am "ramped up." And I can pretty much predict that sleep will be difficult, if not impossible those nights.
So here are a couple of things I have found helpful--one physical and one mental. My loving wife, a seamstress, made me a weighted blanket. (These are now available at local drug stores.) And yes, it helps soothe me on those "runaway" evenings. But another thing I do is to practice "mindfulness." Yes, I know that Christians tend think "eastern mysticism" when they hear this word. But I have found mindfulness to be quite "neutral" with regard to the spiritual realm. All it involves is living in the present moment rather than in the past or in the future. Yes, breathing exercises and being conscious of what is going on in your body right now can serve to return your concentration from the past (your regrets, your "if only's") or from the future (your fears, your "what if's"). But that's not a bad thing. Pick up just about any book on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and you should find a section dealing with mindfulness. But also pick up your Bible. Living in the present is something Jesus spoke about. In Matthew 6:34 He tells us "not (to) be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself." In other words, obsessing about tomorrow is a fruitless exercise. What is fruitful is staying in the present by "seek(ing) first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (verse 33) What are the "all things?" They are food, drink, clothing, health/lifespan, etc. (see verses 25-32), which sound a lot like the things I tend to worry about. I'll have more to say about mindfulness in another blog. For now, putting Matthew 6:33-34 to memory and meditating on in during "mind runaways" is highly recommended.
Blessings!
The Christian Bipole
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